I’ve always dreamed of having a big family after I got married. My dream was to have five children. The idea of being a mom always excited me. I could imagine little ones running around my house, giving me giant hugs and calling me mama. I imagined them running into my bedroom at night with a nightmare and, me, comforting them. The idea of motherhood brought joy and excitement to my life.
When my daughter, Brianna, was born, I was extremely excited for the moments ahead. And although there have been some testing moments, I have loved it. Every moment has grown me as an individual and I have become the mom I’ve always imagined. Our original plan was to wait till Brianna was a year old and then try for another. But life had a different plan. My husband lost his job and we had to go live with family for a while. We put off that dream of another child until we moved into a home of our own again. I was excited to start trying and once the time came to try again, we both thought it would be a matter of months before we would be welcoming another little one into our life.
Sadly, that was not the case. It has been two years and 2 months since we started trying with no luck. We had one moment of hope when we got pregnant. 4 positive pregnancy tests brought joy back into our hearts, but a week later, we lost that hope. Month after month went by as we kept trying and trying.
Finally, after a year, we saw a doctor hoping they would be able to give us an easy answer. Tests were ran, exams were done but we were told that nothing was wrong and it was just a “dry spell”. As each month passed, I continuously fell into a depression. I began to question myself as a mom. Was I doing something wrong? Was I a bad mother and God just knew I shouldn’t be in charge of another life? I looked back at all the mistakes I made as a parent. The moments of me snapping at my daughter made me question my identity as a mother.
I would try to drown out the pain by watching tv shows or spending my free time on Facebook. That only caused more pain. Seeing other friends getting pregnant, watching fictional characters on tv get pregnant only made me angry. I would swipe past videos on TikTok with babies in it as I wasn’t sure how to handle the emotions. Night after night, I would cry, laying my head on my husband’s chest.
Nothing made sense to me. If I was able to get pregnant, then why weren’t we getting pregnant? Even today, I find myself slipping back into those thoughts of self worth and if I am a good mom.
The reason I write this is for those moms out there who may have a child or two but cannot seem to get pregnant again. I know that you may feel the same way or even have the same thoughts. Sometimes I would question my thoughts in themselves. Was I being selfish for being sad when I already had another child?
The truth of the matter is, you can have dreams. There is nothing wrong with having dreams and aspirations. However, don’t let the life you have be swallowed up by the wishes of your future. Make sure you are in the present with your current blessings instead of missing out on the important moments. I realized this in time but still feel like I have missed out on some important moments in my daughter’s life.
I strive every day, now, to spend time with her. Whether it is playing in her room with her, reading a book, spending time outside or snuggling in bed. Those moments are equally as important to me as they are to her. She craves the attention she should get from mommy and daddy and when we are more interested in watching our movies or playing our games, those moments slip from our grasps and are gone.
You may be saying, it is too hard when you are depressed to be there in the moment. Yes, it is hard. There are days I just want to lay in bed and not talk to anyone but imagine how much more depressed you would feel as a mom, wife or even a friend if you miss out on the joys and memories you could be making now. If you need to take a break one night because the pain is just too much, that is perfectly fine. Just encourage yourself to be there the next day.
Strive to live each day with moments you will remember, not moments you will regret.